Courtesy, Stoicism, and Outgrowing Arguments

Recently, I have found that courtesy is not always free. Synonymous with respect, courtesy is defined as “the showing of politeness in one’s attitude and behaviour towards others.” As the old English proverb goes, manners maketh man. The elaborated version? Politeness and respect are essential factors in functional human society, some think defining qualities of human beings. Now I don’t agree with that last because we start to digress into questions like, What is considered polite? and Who gets to decide what the standard for human behaviour is? However, I think we can all agree that showing simple courtesies—from using polite functions like ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’, to arriving on time—are basic indications of the respect we have for ourselves and others. 

I think courtesy should be redefined as “mutually beneficial politeness.” Now you may ask, “How in the world do I benefit from giving up my seat on the train to an elderly man, or holding the door for a pregnant woman?” Well, sit back and let’s have a weird one-way discussion about it.

Firstly, if you don’t feel the least bit upstanding in sacrificing an iota of your time and physical energy to assist someone who is struggling more than you, then there my be larger issues within. Secondly, there are many studies showing that positive emotions induced by altruistic behaviour (like empathy and kindness) have positive health benefits by displacing fear-based emotions (like anger or stress). 

So, mutually beneficial politeness—it’s healthy to be good and good to be healthy. Sometimes, people aren’t courteous. It may not be that they’re discourteous people and it’s almost never to do with you, but people be rude, and what are you going to do about it?

My answer today is very different from the answer I would have given a year ago. Here’s a story about a recent experience of mine.

Through a family connection I got in contact with an electrician and tried to organise to have a mini split-system A/C installed in our tiny home. It’s late into summer and due to a series of pressing events, we are resorting to wet cloths and icepacks to stay cool. It’s been a difficult time for my wife and our little one, but we maintain good spirits. 

I call the family friend, let’s call him Sparx, ask about his availability and accept his cash price and a vague timeframe of about two weeks. OK. He says he will let me know when he has the requisite materials for the job (namely, copper piping). 

Two weeks or so later, a message is passed on through the family member that introduced us. Sparx will be here, two days from now, on monday, to do the job. I think to myself I probably should have heard it from the professional that I’m paying, but then I think, it’s a little less formal with the family connection, there’s a grey area with the discounted cash price, and besides; I’ll finally get the A/C I bought a fortnight ago installed! I don’t think about it again until monday morning. 

It’s now 8am on monday, and I recieve a message from the family member—not the contractor—saying that he’ll be at my house in thirty minutes. Roughly 8:30.

I highly value my privacy, space, and personal autonomy, so it was infuriating to have someone invade my home unannounced and decide my schedule. Which is exactly what Sparx did, waking up my wife and our 7 month-old daughter who had both been up all night, and displacing all of us while he worked.

It’s basic business practice to call and organise a time with your client, so why the blatant disrespect? The whole experience had me questioning the literal dollar price of manners and what you lose when you enter the realm of ‘paid favours’, whatever the hell that is. Personally, I’d rather pay the extra 30% and get the basic respect package.

Now, back to that morning I received the text, I had roughly thirty minutes to stop and think through my anger. It was a teachable moment and I’m glad to say, a win for me. Though I needed every single second of that half an hour. 

When Sparx arrived I made a point of calmly letting him know what his rudeness cost my wife, and…that was it. I let him get on with his work without an argument. Very soon after I realised I shouldn’t have even bothered with the righteous lecture—it served no purpose other than to balance my feeling of inferiority, and barely satisfied the red beast in my head that rages against any disrespect. 

There are a couple valuable points here which are the main motivation for writing this article. 

But first, I want to acknowledge that these are first world problems, and the day I take for granted luxuries like air conditioning, a home, the service of tradespeople, is the day I give myself a swift kick up the arse. I’m using this example because its recent, but I really want to speak to a couple practices and mindsets that allow me to navigate life’s irritations and how they scale to real issues. 

Number one is on Stoicism, and how its practice has changed me and my life for the better. The basic tenet of Stoics is to develop self-control and holistic fortitude to overcome destructive emotions—to be happy no matter the situation. The anger I felt was destructive, it always is. The self-control (through breath techniques and logical thinking) was the remedy and allowed me to mitigate my reactionary energy. Basically I stopped for a moment and that stopped me from being a dick. For the record, it feels way better to let go of anger than to take it out on someone else, even the target of said anger. 

Alongside a stoic attitude is this voice in my head now that (sometimes) whispers “It’s just not worth it,” any time a pointless argument comes up. That voice is a hard one to cultivate, because unless you pay someone to whisper it in your ear like Marcus Aurelias’s Auriga, you have to drive it into your thick skull over and over until it becomes your go to even when you’re in a reactive state. 

Not all arguments are pointless—my wife and I have fantastic arguments that always end in a positive takeaway for both of us, although they often take a couple hours to dig into. But that sort of catharsis requires patience, empathy, a willingness to look at yourself critically, and the action (not the promise of action) toward change, not to mention a huge amount of emotional, mental and physical energy. When we argue, we are helping each other work out our triggers and destructive habit patterns, and that makes it worth it. Arguing with a contractor you’ll likely never see again, or a family member who simply can’t see your perspective—massive wastes of time and energy. 

You’re better off spending thirty minutes a day meditating on who you want to be. Yeah, it’s just that simple—be the change. The repetition of introspection with intention is an effective path to a better version of yourself.